Well here we are...I guess this is what it's come to. First off let me start by saying it has been one of those weeks! You know the crazy I hate you, you're a horrible wife/person/friend week. Right now I'm so lost and don't even know what to think or do. i try to just be here kind of going un-noticed but that don't seem to be working for me. when i'm at work i usually have a good day. it's when i have to come back to my home that i feel like crap. My girl Angie told me I should start a journal just to help me cope with my everyday life. So here it is...my first official entry. I know I won't be writing here everyday but I will be here when this crazy lost and emotional feeling comes over me. Right now i'm at a place in my life where i'm just frustrated!! especially with my mom and her family. No one ever thinks something is wrong with me or i have money issues. Everyone just thinks about thm and what they want. I feel relly bad cuz since friday I haven't been taking any call, rather it be  her at home or at work or  even on my cell...but i just feel like why cant you call and say hi how are you doing? No it's just give me, i need, or can i barrow? I been dealing with this my whole life but for sum reason just these last couple weeks i've gotten so mad and hurt and upset with them. What happens if I need something or if I just say give me? Everyone laughs and says i'm the asshole with all the money but no one realizes i work extremly hard for everything i have. Everyone assumes since i have a husband everything is ok. But it's not. We both work to maintain our home. For me being only 32 yrs old i have been through so much and i have also accomplished so much. But I can't be happy for me. I always feel like people are judging me or expecting things from me. I live with this guard up around me all the time. When is it my time? When am I gonna realize i need to start thinking of me and not everyone else.? I have never stepped back and just looked at my life or me as a person. I have always be the daughter, the big sister, the niece, the tia, the cuzin, the grand daughter, the friend, the mom, and the wife. I have never just been plain ol' Ruthie. I need to sit back and evaluate me....what do i want? who am i as a person? what are my dreams? what are my goals? better yet start simple...what's your hobby? who are you real friends? who is really looking out for you? What is wrong with me? i have a business yet i have no motivation to make this business grow. i have a husband that i don't even see has a husband...i see him as my enemy most of the times. i know he does things to help me but i fight him on everything. Where is my life going? why don't i have any sence of pride? why don't i know my own worth? i don't know what to do. i need to make a change but where do i start? how do i make this change? it's crazy when i finally get my life together it's gonna be too late and i'm gonna los evrything...starting with my husband. he tell me he loves me and that he's in love with me but in that same breath he tells me if i don't get my shit together he will leave and never look back! what am i suppose to do? i'm not strong like some gurls...i have always been walked on and stepped on or taken advantage of. In all honesty sometimes that's how i feel even with him. I pay for everything. I pay the morgage, the utilities, and everything when it comes to fun stuff or just things we want or need. when is it ever gonna be my turn to just relax and let someone take care of my bills or my needs and wants?? Well that's it for tonight. just had to get this out cuz it's weighing so heavily on my mind and heart. Till next time...

ME!!!
(8/26/2010 1:30am)